Obliteration: Conversations With God

Obliteration was the first painting I painted in this style.  This piece was originally to be in another series called The Movie.  It was to be an “introduction” piece”.  An “introduction” piece is a piece that introduces the characters in The Movie. The idea came from watching old kung fu movies and Quentin Tarintino movies. In the beginning of some of those films they introduce the character by writing the title of the character on the screen.  Obliteration was originally going to be called The Secret Holder. 

            I was working on The Secret Holder for four months.  It usually takes six weeks to paint a portrait that size.  It was very frustrating.  I was trying my hardest to paint this portrait with complete accuracy and failing at every attempt.  I was trying to paint the color of her skin with perfection and no matter how hard I tried I could not pinpoint the colors.  I was trying to paint the structure of the face with perfection and just could not do it.  I started over on the structure three times.  I tried my hardest to paint the proportions with complete accuracy, for some reason I could not do it no how hard I tried.

            After four months of trying to paint this picture to perfection and failing at every attempt, I knew it was time to give up.  There is a moment that a painter knows when it is time to give up on a painting.  After every attempt has been made to correct the mistakes, and after seeking help form other people and books and nothing works, then it is time to just let it go.

            Five months later I took the failed The Secret Holder out.  I wanted to try a style of painting that I have never tried before and have been inching towards for a long time.  This style of painting is very impressionistic.  It was some what similar to Vincent Van Gogh’s way of painting.   

            When I started painting this piece it was as if I had this bubble surrounding me and protecting me.  This bubble was protecting me from all the criticism that I remembered from peers and professors.  Those criticisms that were challenging my every decision from why I was using the color blue for the background to explain why some paint-strokes were going in different directions.  Listing to these criticisms were making me second guess every choice I made.  It was equivalent to walking on a frozen lake not knowing where the thin layers were and too scared to find out by walking out on the lake.  Following this fear had me timid in every decision and every move I made.

            I have come to realize that this bubble of protection was God protecting me from all the criticism. With this protective shield I was able to just be painter.  I was able to just use my instinct and the strong foundation of learned skills and just paint.

            The worry of making a painting look perfect was gone because the portrait that I was painting over was already too flawed to correct.  And once the worry of having a bad painting was gone, I was free to make mistakes.  The Secret Holder was a painting that could not get any worse.  I was reacting to each strokes instead of planning each step.  I was evaluating the image in front of me instead worrying about what it was supposed to look like when it was done.  I was using my instincts and making firm decisions instead of seconding guessing myself and worrying if my decisions are approved by my peers.

            When I let go of trying my best at being perfect at painting and changed my mind to, "What can I learn from this", my painting skills exploded and junped to a knew level.  My mentality went from, "How can I not ruin this painting", to "How can I increase my skills as a painter".   The finished piece was not the focus anymore.  The focus became the moment in time in which I was painting.  The process was more important than the gaol.  The new thought process was freeing.  No longer was I  enslaved by the critsim of my peers.  No longer was I encased by this invisble box of of fear.

            My painting and my life as a Christian mirrored.  When I was painting The Movie series, I was trying my hardest to paint every portrait with perfect structure, color, and proportions.  I was using the rules and the laws in the books I have read and what I have learned from my knowledgeable professors to try and paint these perfect paintings.  In my Christian life I was trying to live a perfect life by the rules in The Book and what the knowledgeable preachers teach about.  And with painting and my Christianity, I failed miserably.

            With Obliteration Jesus was sending me messages.  He was telling me the focus is not about living for the sake of living right and striving to not make mistakes, but my focus should be about learning.  Learning who Jesus really is.  I can do that through mistakes and falling on my face

            Another message he was trying to communicate was that I need to obliterate this idea that the Christian life is all about doing right so I do not get punished.  He was showing that I do not need to work for what he has already given as a free gift.

Ephesians

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God.